I just realized I must be turning Midwestern.  Never thought I’d say that!  Ironically, it took getting out of Ohio and living in STL.  I mean, same tornadoes, but without the ambience and culture they have here.  Also trees!  They didn’t chop down all the trees here to make way for miles of capitalist industrial corn.

But the giveaway I’m referring to is long monologues {blahgologues} on weather, gardening, and gkids.  Nothing of deep substance, just nice sensible mundane trivia and clichés, ad nauseum.  The occasional rant.  See what I’m saying?  I’m about to do it some more.

Damn this hell-heat!!  It keeps getting extended indefinitely.  I can’t even get out and clean up all the damage it does to the crops.  But even as idiot trumpers die in their own apocalypse, they’ll be complaining about delusional commie liberal Biden and Obama conspiracies.  They brought their own deserved proportional hell on themselves, but the rest of the world gets to go down with them.  Do not talk about “democracy” to me.  Rant over.

So Stacey did a marathon sleep-deficient final run to her new home yesterday, and immediately started giving rides to all the kids all day.  I was very grateful, being in the middle of baking and prepping for erev.  It helped Avdi a lot, while working.  Of course there was the usual confusion with Y not getting with the program, but he’s learning about cause and effect.

In between rides, Stacey got to have worthwhile conversations with kids.  Y had his HS orientation, E was out all day with rehearsals, K/S had therapy, and shopping with Mom, and S/Q  got some practice not having everything centered around him, or keeping K/S from sleeping.  Having one more parent/grownup around is already making a difference.

I lost count of how many came to dinner, but even with Y and friend disappearing into his room, it was a full table.  Jess joined us briefly.  She has to take her other kid, R, to college today, and is going through empty-nest syndrome.  I can understand.  I suspect some gkids will be next to vacate; they’re so eager, they may get out of the country altogether.  Can’t blame them.

Next week, S/Q will have his orientation at the middle school.  We’re all hoping he’ll adjust well, with some special ed assistance.  He’ll be spending nights at Mom’s, but days with us while she prepares for her profession exams next week.  Eventually he’ll live with her and commute between school and home(s).  K/S will get her room and privacy back.  We’ll get the sofa and screen back!

Avdi was able to blast the pool back into commission.  I may even join Stacey in it.  Finally, a grownup to talk to!

The Midwest may have its evil trump majority rule, same as much of the country, but still, it’s not so bad once you get to know it.

Heat index values up to 113º, no breeze to speak of… it’s like a seafood boiler out.  I mean, you wouldn’t need the pot.  JK, no crabs were abused or experimented on.  I suppose this is just fake global heating that Biden or Obama came up with to torture repugs.  The hell on earth they created and deserve.  In the near future, we’ll look back on this as a normal summer day.

It did conveniently t-storm early this morning, so I don’t have to water.  Thoughtful of it.  My brain is already a fried egg from walking outside for a minute.  That leaves finding more indoor ways to earn my keep.  Not that hard, since the rooms magically revert to disaster mode five minutes after I straighten them.  But school starts August 25.  And S will be spending more time at Mom’s, after she gets here for good tomorrow, which will relieve several situations.

I had a pretty good conversation with K/S today.  We talked about some of the things stressing her out lately, which I could understand.  Sometimes it’s hard to get an opportunity to talk with just one kid, without someone else’s melodrama or chaos going on around you.  K/S and E are just verging on young adult, when you can have an intelligent conversation and get a glimpse of what they’re contending with.  Y has not reached a stage where I can have any meaningful exchange at all, but I notice he’s like that to almost everyone, except his friends.  They just stay in his room shrieking.

I’ve saved up a few photos, including one of what I thought was some red shrub, and now realize is a crepe myrtle, not a native, but pretty.  I mostly like it for its botanical name, Lagerstroemia, which sounds like a beer.

My afternoon consisted of being useful running a prescription errand.  On the way home I found the St. Louis library branch I’m supposed to go to, technically living not in WG.  So now I have two library memberships.

Tomorrow I have another assignment, this time to take Y to and from his HS orientation, a momentous occasion.  I wonder how he will adjust to HS.  I think it will be good for him, like shocking a pool.

Can you find the dog lurking?

I was out watering the dog and me, and incidentally, the garden, and made some new discoveries.

The three sisters had babies–a gourd and possibly a pumpkin or squash!  There are tassels on their corn stalks (no corn yet), and an occasional bean on their vines, so it’s official.  Maybe we could have a shower to celebrate?

The mystery hanging gourd/pumpkin/? on the neighbor’s side of the fence is getting big!  I wonder if they noticed it!

The giant gourd (?) monster taking over the yard keeps producing adorable little babies.

And the veg plants keep producing zucchini, eggplant, tomatoes, a few peppers, more okra than we can keep up with, and even some additional baby potatoes.  The veg garden is turning into a flower garden as well!  I’m pretty sure if I leave it alone next year as planned, it will explode with volunteer everything.

The euphorbia (green and white variegated) seems to be a great pollinator magnet, similar to mt. mint.  It really draws a crowd.

The infernal heat wave has of course been extended into tomorrow, or perhaps forever.  I won’t say I’m acclimating; rather, I try to ignore it, because I will not be stopped!

Update: extended through Sat!!  Why don’t they just say permanent extreme weather?!

I took my time coming over today.  I attempted to start raking up the mess out front and back, until E took over.  I was pouring sweat just standing out there, and got sick to my stomach.  I just can’t.  I straightened up a little inside, where I’m staying.  Call it survival.

I’ve been sorting through years of digital photos on my computer, deleting and restoring space.  I’m still in TN, made it to 2021, in the height of COVID.  I forgot how good I was at growing veggies, flowers, and trees.  Even with the crappy TN soil.  The memories are not so good, but I must have been overcompensating with gardening.

Also, my photography improved and became actually better than it is now, because of the phone quality.  I’m actually a little envious of my skills then vs now.  As soon as this infernal inferno eases off, I’m going to outdo myself, if I die trying.

What do I miss about TN?  The mountains, sunsets, trees I planted, the passionflower vines and poppies (actually all the flowers) I somehow grew in abundance, of course my son while he was there, and not least, Misu the cat, who was from there and adopted us.  She was my last cat, and I miss her to death.

Extreme heat warning, “dangerously hot conditions” through Wed., heat index may reach 111 today; to me it feels like being steamed to death.  I can only stand it for a few minutes, and it makes me feel sick.  On top of that, there’s smoke and haze in the air from Canadian wildfires.  But I still managed to get some photos.

E thinks it’s better to freeze to death than broil to death, because toward the end of extreme hypothermia, you actually start to feel warmer as you die, so a preferable way to go!  There may be some truth to that, but either extreme is not preferable to me.  Although some humans deserve to be roasted by nature as revenge for all the damage they’ve done.  Seems fair.

Avdi is supposed to return home tomorrow, I think.  Switching off with Jess has made the week easier, although it still felt like I lived here for a week.  I’m not sure my presence made any difference to anyone, or if they even noticed!  Sometimes I think if I dropped dead here, it might take a week for someone to notice; even the smell wouldn’t necessarily be a giveaway!

Don’t mind me.  Actually I’m getting a little more at ease here, especially since I can retreat to A’s room whenever.  Occasional privacy is one of those luxuries that should probably be a human right, like healthcare, but isn’t always accessible to humans.  Even a village needs some personal alone time.

Look at this doggie face.  He’s enjoying the lap of luxury with me.

It “feels like” 107 out, so naturally E has been out mowing, trimming trees, pulling vines, and cleaning up stuff out there.  I don’t know how he does it, even with the motivation of money.  I haven’t even done my “walkabout” today.  The whole rest of the world is experiencing extreme warming broiling; it’s not just isolated phenomena.  The new abnormal is here to stay and intensify.

After doing some indoor straightening, I’m taking my turn on Avdi’s bed (Jess had last night).  It’s like the changing of the guard.  Kids’ friends appear, having probably spent the night(?).  SQ commutes between homes.  It’s hard to keep track, so I just go with it.  I feel lazy, but I’m mainly here to pose as “the adult”, while the kids mostly take care of themselves these days.  As it should be.

Jess gave Loucious his amusing periodic haircut, so he gets some relief in the heat.  Mostly he stays indoors, lying on the AC vent.  Poor dogs have it worse than us.

I’m doing some mind-gardening.  That’s when it’s too hot to do real gardening, so I’m thinking ahead to when it’s conveniently cooler.  I’m seriously considering my evil chaos theory.  Both the soil and myself need a break.  It’s also cheaper.

When things start to cool off and wind down, I’ll weed, compost, and leaf-mulch the hell out of the veg garden, cultivate it in a little, then top-dress with more leaves, and let it rest over winter.  Any seeds I have left from this year, I’ll just mix and throw in there when it’s time.  Then I’ll let whatever residual seeds are in there do their thing next spring and summer.  I’ll just manage and maintain the chaos!

I’ll sow more native flowers in appropriate locations in late fall, let them stratify over winter, and see what comes up.  I’ll clean up and leaf-mulch all the beds, and let them rest, too.  Then I’ll sow annual/perennial flowers next spring.  I already have all the seeds, or will have.  The rest is up to whatever the garden decides to self-seed and regrow.

Then if one of the kids decides they want to grow more veggies, they can have at it!  I’ll just help maintain everything.  It’s part of letting go and passing it on.  I’m adapting to a changing climate.

Just conjecturing.  The plan will change in five minutes.

Update: Make that “feels like” 117!!

Please overlook my little lapse of sanity.  I’m back.  I think.

I’m a little off my game, what with the different overnights schedule (Jess and I are alternating nights).  It does break up the tedium a little, except that I’m at Avdi’s most of the time anyway.  I can’t keep track of what day it is!

I made erev dinner for, as it turned out, only five-ish people.  I say “ish”, because Jess joined us briefly, and Y darted in and out for leftovers, like a rat.  He says he doesn’t like to be with “the people” (his family).  I made a pretty good meal, starting with SQ’s request (craving) cheese ravioli in alfredo sauce.  I also made meatballs in pasta sauce, roasted veggies (some from the garden), a fresh garden tomato, basil. and parmesan salad, and some sides.  And of course, challah, (Loucious’s obsession).

It’s back to blazing hot, after the recent deluge (here we got almost an inch and a half, but other places it was more like two).  I managed to go out and clean up some of the wreckage of E’s last party on the back patio.  Mostly I just gave Loucious a big hose-down (and me in the process).  I took one photo today–a ‘shroom.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful–I am very grateful.  I’m finally where I should be, after all the misguided detours.  I earned all the bad karma I received.  I can’t go back and do a twelve-stepper, but I can pay it forward, STS.

If you burn all your bridges like I did, the old ghosts still come back to haunt you.  I have one ghost that won’t let up, because I never got closure.  They died without me knowing or being able to say goodbye.  The finality is a killer.

I figured out I really need to find some like-minded friends.  I guess that means old like me, eww, but how do you find cool freaks?  All of us have done our time and lost our people, and many have just settled and resigned and are still just doing time.  Is there anyone left like me, and where do I find them?  NOT on some dating app or at bars, barf.  How do you find the people who are still alive and not zombies or pervs or in need of a caregiver?

I guess I’m saying I admit I really need help with this.  Just because I’m old and invisible, doesn’t mean I’m not still me and human.  There have to be more like me out there.  Who still love the music, old or new.  Who just want to hang out and talk about the world we’re dealing with, or nonconventional/queer lifestyles, or just be together.  Not a club or hobby.  Just folks who have been around the block.

I’m not even sure how to connect.  I’ve moved so often and cut myself off from peers for so long, it’s hard to start over now, with others who have already established their networks.  It’s “safer” to be unattached and dissociated, but it’s not mentally healthy.  I love my family and how they’ve welcomed me in, but they have their own lives and concerns.  I need to figure this out on my own.

I hope you’ll bear with the tangent.  It just sort of had to come out.  Maybe I need stronger drugs.  Back to my role as so-called  “grownup”.

When I said fun with spectrums, that was just a preview of more to come!  I’m not going to go into it, it’s complicated dynamics between SQ and KS, resolved for now.  Suffice it to say, the former will spend tonight with J&C, to ease tensions.  (I’d include a key to initials, but that would defeat the purpose of preserving their anonymity.)

After sorting out the above, I took my med and slept through the rest of the night.  I had familiar dream themes, only darker, of complex labyrinths, being stalked, and having nowhere to go home to.  Also relying on the kindness of strangers.  I remember there being a loud t-storm and extremely heavy rain early in the morning.  It’s water world out there, but cooler.

Moving on, this current world is a very difficult one for any kids to grow up in, let alone kids on the various spectrums (neurodivergent, gender identity, orientation, etc.).  It’s particularly dangerous and insecure for them with these psychos in power.  It takes a lot of awareness and vigilance on the part of parents to provide all the therapies, meds, doctors who have the guts to defy the cruel laws (often out-of-state), and most of all support and security in the home.

These kids themselves don’t necessarily realize or appreciate all the exhaustive work that goes into keeping them safe and providing appropriate medical and mental care.  But I see it, and feel privileged on their account, and one day they will see it in retrospect.  It’s so much better than when I was a kid, when these neuro-disorders and gender affirming care were not even recognized, let alone addressed properly.  You would just be punished for being weird and uncooperative.  Or worse.

Check out the rainforest!  Note the hanging gardens of squash/pumpkins/?.

Avdi is away in Knoxville for a week.  This is my first overnight of the week, alternating with Jess.

A rainstorm is brewing which means today was obnoxiously humid, with mosquitos.   Not to say that I didn’t take some fun flower photos.  But I had plenty to keep me busy inside.

Everyone slept in ’til late, teen-style, or they weren’t even here.  I didn’t know if Y was even alive in there.  Update: turns out he’s not even home, he’s at a friend’s overnight.  Good to know!

K/S (K is now S, so I’ll use KS.  S is SQ, keep up.) is cooking an Asian meal with tofu and lots of Asian other stuff, including garden veggies and herbs.  SQ, who used to be very neuro-fussy about meals, loves KS’s sophisticated culinary cooking.  Are you following?  KS loves to cook, and SQ loves to eat.  So it works out.

As for the election, it went pretty well, ATC.  Our favored progressive, Cori Bush, unfortunately did not win against Wesley Bell, a not very progressive dem.  But we defeated two evil repug amendments trying to fool us with deceptive language, as usual.  Of course STL Co and City are pretty liberal, compared to the outliers, so this is not the whole picture.  But still encouraging.