After taking in the latest sad news, and talking about it for a while, Avdi and I found a new-to-us park nearby, Powder Valley Conservation Nature Center, and walked around to air out and think.

Of course this outcome has been coming for a while, so none of us were taken by surprise or overwhelmed, but there’s still a sense of loss and feeling dazed.  Also a little panicked over what to do and how.

What makes it harder are the circumstances–both my brothers are medically restricted or incapacitated from getting around or taking care of arrangements in person, and it has to happen fast under Jewish law and customs; no time for a complicated family stampede across the country.

The hardest hit may be my brother Andrew, who was caregiver for years, and is now alone in that old crumbling house (for the time being) with no clue what’s next.

It was just a confluence of unfortunate events outside anyone’s control, resulting in my mother having to be buried unceremoniously (but respectfully), without family around.

We’re in a holding pattern right now, as immediate arrangements are made and carried out remotely by the appropriate authorities.  Lots for us to sort out and figure out (and pay for)… one step at a time.

My mother and I had an uneasy relationship for decades, but she was always there for us and for my son, even when things were tense or estranged with me.  Avdi has very fond memories of her and my father.  I have very mixed feelings, but mostly relief that she’s no longer sick and demented.  I would never want my own life to be artificially prolonged when I’m no longer functional or there.