My prole version of “defeatism” is when the political crisis is so bleak and seemingly hopeless that you just want to sleep through the next four years and wake up when it’s over.

Only, it won’t be over, the damage and devastation will be so great, it will take more years or decades just to undo it and get back to square one.  Some damage will be permanent.

Sometimes the mere act of forcing yourself to get up and find others to help or just be with is resistance.

On that note, here are more photos of sneaky plant infiltrations, crafty homey scenes, and the “secret” crypt cleanup project, with some moving help from K.  It helps keep me going.

Once again I walked over to Avdi’s to spend the night so he could get a break.  He clearly needed one, and continues to.  He goes out of his way to help the kids get where they need to go, or indulge their whims, mostly I think because he’s too worn out to argue or decline.  So his work suffers and he gets run down.  Then they still complain everything is no fair.  They have no idea how much unfairer things are going to get under this nazi regime.

I realize they’re teens with issues and lack of room for privacy, who are still learning what empathy means.  They can’t comprehend how fortunate they are, considering the circumstances.  But I feel bad for Avdi, who’s under fire day and night, with little escape.  I at least get to “go home”.  For the time being!

My latest evil plan was to sneak plants upstairs to wherever I could find a viable spot.  It’s not a houseplant kind of home, but I’m determined to inject a little life into rooms (and maintain them myself, since no one else will).  They may not even notice!  I also needed to make room downstairs, if I’m ever going to germinate veg seedlings.

Avdi, E, and I stopped at the Tropical Pets store to look at little fish for E’s aquarium.  I took these photos while waiting.

While the madmen destroy every vestige of our democracy, let me pause my ineffective hand-wringing to get back to more “normal” pursuits.  I “took my life in my hands” (not really) to navigate the icy snow mounds to Avdi’s, so he wouldn’t have to pick me up.  All the stress and overwhelm are taking their toll on him and making him sick.  His jaw dropped when I appeared, unharmed, out of nowhere!

Then I got to work on the usual Friday preps, challah and a pot roast he and I collaborated on. All the kids managed to make it home on their own, and even do some of their chores on the list.  K and I worked on cleaning up his workspace in the basement.  We actually had a full table for Shabbat, no truancies.  Y came dressed as a jester in full performance mode, complete with German accent.

After cleanup, they engaged me in a theatrical dialogue on the kitchen floor.  Even E and I had a friendly conversation about mutual interests.  S kept his shrieking meltdowns to a minimum.  Just a “normal” evening with the family!

Garden talk is starting to happen, a sign of looking forward to something.  Kids are requesting favorite veggies and lots of flowers, which I’ve already anticipated.  They want to take on a more active role on individual plots and the general landscape.  Avdi and I started to discuss amending the veg garden soil and tilling later on.

I came home and spent a restless night with political anxiety.  I have to force myself to redirect my forebodings to more productive channels, or I’ll end up venting it in anger or depression.  It’s safer for all of us to be with like-minded others right now, not alone.

Good Morning nazi America!  Of course none of this is a surprise, but it’s still a rude awakening every morning.  We saw this coming, but it’s like watching a relentless, unstoppable train wreck.  All you can do is stand there numbly and be traumatized.  Which apparently is what they want–shock and awe.  Be in awe of their führer-like power and cave to their dominance.  Become a helpless cog in their fascist machine.

I can see it working on me.   The five stages of WTF, as it were.  Dread, hopelessness, demoralization, anger, and resistance, not necessarily in that order.  Insert whatever reactions you’re experiencing.  To give in to giving up is to be complicit and let them win.  Resistance is the scary, logical conclusion.  If the outrage can lead you to risking opposition in whatever form, then they lose.

Having said this, I realize that our siblings of color have been enduring and fighting this war for centuries, while entitled, privileged whites suddenly wake up out of their complacency every so often in moments of history like this in shock and outrage.  We could stand to learn some lessons out of their playbook right now.  Maybe this will be the crisis that unites us to fight this obscenity and restore our country to sanity.

I’m just putting this humble opinion out there, in case someone needs to hear it.  I’m a coward myself, easier to be if they’re coming for “those other people”, not for you; but in this case they’ll be gunning for pretty much all of us who don’t knuckle under to their fascist agenda, or who dare to question or disobey their unlawful orders.  If you think this is just being overly hysterical, just watch and wait.  You will get a rude awakening, sooner or later.

In the meantime, I continue to propagate and gaze at plants for sanity and staying calm.  They never disappoint.

Yesterday on the way back from Savers, E asked A, how can you not want to stay informed about the latest developments [trump inauguration horror]?

The answer is the same for many of us right now–because we stay informed, we’re avoiding the whole depraved shitshow as much as possible, because we know the depressing coming agenda.  It’s like a brutal atrocity you want to tear your eyes away from before you get sucked in.  There will be plenty of times and opportunities in the next four years to stand up for justice and rights for marginalized groups, which under trump’s dictatorship means practically everyone.

We Jews especially of all people should know what mass deportations, persecution, and criminals in power mean, although some of “us” want to stay in our insulated xenophobic denial, until they come for us.  Like it’s not genocide or a holocaust unless it’s directed at us.  (See: most of the world during Hitler’s rise to power.)  I hope I and all reasonable people will risk taking a stand and providing sanctuary as the needs arise.

“Never again” is happening now.  We have a chance to be on the correct side of history and get it right this time.

So, in saner news, here is the beautiful aquarium E got at Savers and set up himself.  (It’s too f—ing frigid out to even think about gardening right now, but I assure you I’ll be back with more hopeful natural world news soon.)

I hate to see what healthcare in this country will look like under trump & co., because it already thoroughly sucks.

Between being hit with thousands of dollars out-of-pocket because, unknown to you, the actual doctor in an in-network practice isn’t in-network, or your insurance company refusing to respond to or cover claims from your doctor/practice that are supposed to be covered, they’re killing us families.  We’re somehow supposed to become experts at navigating this complex scam of a system before we can get emergency treatment for our kids or self, because the system itself can’t even figure itself out, or is just out for the profits at our expense.

I’m still paying for medical services from a year ago under different insurance (Anthem), because the provider still can’t get the insurance company to pay their share.  I’m supposed to rattle the latter’s cage myself to try and get a reaction.  I’m already repaying my son thousands for a dentist that he helped me out with when my insurance crapped out.  And my son has been totally screwed over for getting supposedly covered help for his ideating kid, on top of all the other expenses and worries he’s saddled with.

There’s no way ordinary people can ever catch up, let alone get ahead.  Healthcare should be a human right, not a luxury for the rich.  I know, just stating what’s obvious to us and most civilized countries, but for Repubs, healthcare is to make them profits, not for actually keeping people alive and well.  Pro-life means pro-death.

I try to keep rants down, but sometimes one slips through.

Shabbat went…hectically.  Half the family was off taking part in a school drama production.  I made challah and a meatloaf, etc. and fed whoever happened to be home!  There was plenty else for me to do all day.  It was actually springlike out, finally starting to melt the feet of icy snow piles before the next polar vortex arrives this week.  Strange to think of the raging fires and devastation in CA at the same time.  Climate change will also get a big boost from greedy trumpers.

Oh, and now S’s special needs school wants to send him back to the regular elementary, since he’s “doing so well” in a special needs environment.  Back to the school he couldn’t handle and kept eloping from and getting chased down by cops and school personnel!  Like we didn’t have enough to worry about.

OK, I’m done for now.  Just gotta live through the next four years (and all the damage it will leave in its wake).

Yesterday was like a bad jinxed day for Avdi and everyone, the kind you want to delete and start over, a not-funny comedy of errors.  Actually his whole week was less than productive, owing to kid chaos and distractions.  They get lazy and expect him to accommodate them as a fallback, and he needs to stand up to them so they’ll take more responsibility for their actions, so he can get work done.

Not all was a loss, though.  I think Y and I had a breakthrough yesterday evening.  We ended up sitting on the kitchen floor with them sharing some very personal, private stuff from their journal and life that they would only share with a friend they trust (their words).  I used to keep private journals from a young age, and I know how significant it is to read it to or even show it to anyone, let alone a grandparent.  They even asked my advice about organizing it onto their laptop.  A big step for them and us.

When Avdi returned from shuttling the latest batch of kids around, he had to get back to work, so Y and I collaborated on dinner–they made their excellent crêpes, and I made a savory potato filling for them.  They also made sweet ones.  Everyone liked them, and we were able to work together in the kitchen.

Today I met some very pleasant Catholic volunteers who came over to see if I qualify for getting food at their food pantries (and rides as well).  We sat and drank tea and had a productive meeting.  I probably do qualify, so if my current source dries up, I’ll have an alternative or two.  Other assistance is available as well.  So between Avdi and the Catholics, I guess I won’t starve or freeze to death!

Speaking of which, last night Avdi made really good jambalaya, and tonight I made chili, corn tortillas, and all the fixings.

Downstairs in the “lab”, I keep propagating things, just for fun.  I may not even have room for veg seedlings!

The full moon was huge and orange tonight.

Trying to line up sources of free food (delivery, or free transportation to/from food pantries) is more complicated than you’d think.

I must have bad luck.  I have the wrong kind of cancer (!), or services stopped delivering for reasons, or I don’t qualify for Medicaid/SNAP/gov. services because of a stupid technicality, or whatever the case may be.  No doubt my big SSA raise of a few more dollars will further disqualify me for help!

So take my advice and don’t get old and poor in Red America, especially for the next four years.  But I won’t let that deter me!  Plus Avdi feeds me very well, so I can’t complain.

The first full moon of the year was the Wolf Moon.  Though it turns out wolves don’t howl at the moon.  Just humans or wolf-like humanoids.

The strange unidentified object is a candle I made.

The rest of the family are definitely not hibernators.  Many snow structures appeared while I was gone.  Sledding, and even some shoveling, got done.  K and friends rolled the biggest snowball in the world down the hill at Blackburn Park!  E built a substantial igloo–in the dark!  Y made a perfect snowman, and S piled up a large mound.  For Shabbat, E baked a hearty bread and Avdi made a beef stew.  See what I miss when I’m “snowed in”?

I made up for it by spending the night (and eating too much good food), so Avdi and Jess could go out.  They stayed close to home, because the city still isn’t really plowed.  No doubt Repubs don’t like to fund infrastructure and public works.  I hung around Sunday, while A worked or ran errands.  My little downstairs prop garden keeps expanding with “experiments”!