In the midst of hard times and horrors all around, Avdi and I were able to seize a few hours to have one of our rare times out together.

We had an amazing dinner and drinks at Katie’s Pizza and Pasta Osteria.  The ambience was very casual, but the cuisine was astonishing, world class.  It was so good, you could almost lose yourself and forget the nightmare happening outside for a little while.  I felt very fortunate.

Afterwards we adjourned to a brand new whiskey tasting bar nearby, and sampled some excellent cocktails.  By that time, I was feeling quite happy, so I designated the whole enjoyable evening my early happy birthday outing.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate it than a night out with my son, talking about anything but awful reality.

In an ironic change of pace, the kids put pressure on me to stop doing their chores for them!  Not that they abnormally like chores, but I had been inadvertently doing their assigned daily tasks without thinking, as usual.  And they were getting in the habit of assuming I’d done them.  It’s hard to relinquish a habit!  Whatever will I do with myself?!

Obviously conceding and handing over the chores was the thing to do, so I tried it, with mixed results.  S was actually intent on completing his assignments, with minimal help.  In some cases, after realizing I hadn’t done their chores as usual, they reluctantly complied, or at least took note of the shift.  Or they simply weren’t there at the time, and I went ahead with their “permission”.

The point is, with some prodding, they are mostly willing to fulfill their obligations if I let go and let them.  You’d think it’s a no-brainer!  I had come to think of household tasks as “my job”, whereas my job is to let the kids learn to take responsibility.  Let’s just say it’s a work in progress, especially for me.  There is always more work for me to do, as long as I’m able, so I don’t feel useless, especially as spring approaches.

Maybe I was conditioned by my upbringing, in which my mother automatically did most of the household management and chores, so that I never learned to do basic life tasks or be entrusted with responsibility.  My role was to obey my parents without question and not take initiative or get in the way.  It took me a long time to grow up and take responsibility for myself and others.  Now it’s as if I’m following in her footsteps, making up for lost time, when what I need to do is support Avdi in allowing the kids to learn life skills and grow up.

Sometimes I think I’m the one still learning to grow up and be an adult, not a scared shadow, even at this late date.  Life’s full of twists, eh?

It was up to 75º or so yesterday, just a teaser of spring, but I took it.  Yellow and red witch hazel were blooming fragrantly.  A sleepy bee fell in my coffee, so I carefully rescued her, washed her off, and relocated her to safety.  I guess the coffee woke her up!

I finished removing most of the cardboard (never again) from the veg garden.  I tried to harvest some compost from the bin, but it was less than satisfactory; will have to work on that.

A fat robin (also sleepy) posed on a branch for a long time until I got the photo right.  Bulb flower shoots were popping up everywhere; it’s going to be a vibrant flower show soon.

As I wandered around taking photos and talking to critters, I discovered Y up in their tree observing me.  Then they walked on water!  The pool was still solid floating ice.  [Don’t panic A, no one and nothing was harmed!]

It was so warm out, I walked home as well as there, in a vivid sunset.  As I write today, of course the temps are back down, but it was a welcome preview.

It was Feb. 2, and groundhog or no, it was 65º out!  I actually got some sleep at Avdi’s, unusual, and took my coffee out on the patio, surrounded by the last few melting snow piles.  S was already out there in t-shirt and shorts, riding his new scooter up and down the street.  Spring bulb flower shoots were coming up en masse.

The messy winter garden was calling unto me!  I grabbed a rake and raked and removed most of the cardboard (S and I agreed no more using cardboard for paths, it’s a mess).  There are still cold season leafy greens coming up!  It’s supposed to be 72º today(!?) so you know I’ll be out there doing more prep for spring.

In other prep news, K very helpfully rewired and set up the prop station for me yesterday so it works much more efficiently.  It was fun working together.  Then I mixed up some germinating soil and set up the first few seedling flats.  I’ll prep the rest soon, and then sow the warmer weather seeds this month.  I’m keeping it basic and simpler this year, mostly direct-sowing the other veggies.

S and his friend J were out playing and trampolining until dark.  I stayed for our family charcuterie meeting.

I don’t care what Punx Phil or anyone says; it’s February, and that means spring has to come one of these days.  We’ve survived one month, and that’s something.  All I’ll say about that is, anything that depraved and evil can’t last forever, as long as sane people stick together and resist.  Anger can be a great motivator.

Meanwhile, down in the basement, things are happening.  Soon, with some rewiring assistance from K, I’ll set up the 2025 prop station officially and start germinating some basic veg seedlings.  Each year I learn (?) from my mistakes and tweak the process.  I’m hoping this year’s garden and yard will be even more beautiful, functional, and kid/critter-friendly.  That’s how I keep on going and looking forward.

Right now it’s just one big muddy lake of melting snow out, so here are photos of warmer, cozier pursuits.  Even a rare sighting of me trying to look hopeful!

My prole version of “defeatism” is when the political crisis is so bleak and seemingly hopeless that you just want to sleep through the next four years and wake up when it’s over.

Only, it won’t be over, the damage and devastation will be so great, it will take more years or decades just to undo it and get back to square one.  Some damage will be permanent.

Sometimes the mere act of forcing yourself to get up and find others to help or just be with is resistance.

On that note, here are more photos of sneaky plant infiltrations, crafty homey scenes, and the “secret” crypt cleanup project, with some moving help from K.  It helps keep me going.

Once again I walked over to Avdi’s to spend the night so he could get a break.  He clearly needed one, and continues to.  He goes out of his way to help the kids get where they need to go, or indulge their whims, mostly I think because he’s too worn out to argue or decline.  So his work suffers and he gets run down.  Then they still complain everything is no fair.  They have no idea how much unfairer things are going to get under this nazi regime.

I realize they’re teens with issues and lack of room for privacy, who are still learning what empathy means.  They can’t comprehend how fortunate they are, considering the circumstances.  But I feel bad for Avdi, who’s under fire day and night, with little escape.  I at least get to “go home”.  For the time being!

My latest evil plan was to sneak plants upstairs to wherever I could find a viable spot.  It’s not a houseplant kind of home, but I’m determined to inject a little life into rooms (and maintain them myself, since no one else will).  They may not even notice!  I also needed to make room downstairs, if I’m ever going to germinate veg seedlings.

Avdi, E, and I stopped at the Tropical Pets store to look at little fish for E’s aquarium.  I took these photos while waiting.

While the madmen destroy every vestige of our democracy, let me pause my ineffective hand-wringing to get back to more “normal” pursuits.  I “took my life in my hands” (not really) to navigate the icy snow mounds to Avdi’s, so he wouldn’t have to pick me up.  All the stress and overwhelm are taking their toll on him and making him sick.  His jaw dropped when I appeared, unharmed, out of nowhere!

Then I got to work on the usual Friday preps, challah and a pot roast he and I collaborated on. All the kids managed to make it home on their own, and even do some of their chores on the list.  K and I worked on cleaning up his workspace in the basement.  We actually had a full table for Shabbat, no truancies.  Y came dressed as a jester in full performance mode, complete with German accent.

After cleanup, they engaged me in a theatrical dialogue on the kitchen floor.  Even E and I had a friendly conversation about mutual interests.  S kept his shrieking meltdowns to a minimum.  Just a “normal” evening with the family!

Garden talk is starting to happen, a sign of looking forward to something.  Kids are requesting favorite veggies and lots of flowers, which I’ve already anticipated.  They want to take on a more active role on individual plots and the general landscape.  Avdi and I started to discuss amending the veg garden soil and tilling later on.

I came home and spent a restless night with political anxiety.  I have to force myself to redirect my forebodings to more productive channels, or I’ll end up venting it in anger or depression.  It’s safer for all of us to be with like-minded others right now, not alone.

Good Morning nazi America!  Of course none of this is a surprise, but it’s still a rude awakening every morning.  We saw this coming, but it’s like watching a relentless, unstoppable train wreck.  All you can do is stand there numbly and be traumatized.  Which apparently is what they want–shock and awe.  Be in awe of their führer-like power and cave to their dominance.  Become a helpless cog in their fascist machine.

I can see it working on me.   The five stages of WTF, as it were.  Dread, hopelessness, demoralization, anger, and resistance, not necessarily in that order.  Insert whatever reactions you’re experiencing.  To give in to giving up is to be complicit and let them win.  Resistance is the scary, logical conclusion.  If the outrage can lead you to risking opposition in whatever form, then they lose.

Having said this, I realize that our siblings of color have been enduring and fighting this war for centuries, while entitled, privileged whites suddenly wake up out of their complacency every so often in moments of history like this in shock and outrage.  We could stand to learn some lessons out of their playbook right now.  Maybe this will be the crisis that unites us to fight this obscenity and restore our country to sanity.

I’m just putting this humble opinion out there, in case someone needs to hear it.  I’m a coward myself, easier to be if they’re coming for “those other people”, not for you; but in this case they’ll be gunning for pretty much all of us who don’t knuckle under to their fascist agenda, or who dare to question or disobey their unlawful orders.  If you think this is just being overly hysterical, just watch and wait.  You will get a rude awakening, sooner or later.

In the meantime, I continue to propagate and gaze at plants for sanity and staying calm.  They never disappoint.

Yesterday on the way back from Savers, E asked A, how can you not want to stay informed about the latest developments [trump inauguration horror]?

The answer is the same for many of us right now–because we stay informed, we’re avoiding the whole depraved shitshow as much as possible, because we know the depressing coming agenda.  It’s like a brutal atrocity you want to tear your eyes away from before you get sucked in.  There will be plenty of times and opportunities in the next four years to stand up for justice and rights for marginalized groups, which under trump’s dictatorship means practically everyone.

We Jews especially of all people should know what mass deportations, persecution, and criminals in power mean, although some of “us” want to stay in our insulated xenophobic denial, until they come for us.  Like it’s not genocide or a holocaust unless it’s directed at us.  (See: most of the world during Hitler’s rise to power.)  I hope I and all reasonable people will risk taking a stand and providing sanctuary as the needs arise.

“Never again” is happening now.  We have a chance to be on the correct side of history and get it right this time.

So, in saner news, here is the beautiful aquarium E got at Savers and set up himself.  (It’s too f—ing frigid out to even think about gardening right now, but I assure you I’ll be back with more hopeful natural world news soon.)